May 11th 1998: The Second Attempt

When I tried to get clean the last time it was, to say the least, a miserable and utter failure. Today I am going to give it a second shot. I realize now that the reason I failed the last time is because I was quitting for a whole bunch of reasons other than to actually want to be clean. I was quitting because I knew it was the right thing to do, or for people like James and Chris who kept pressuring me about it every day but it was never because I wanted to quit.

Well times have changed, now I think I genuinely want to quit. And not for anyone else or because I society tells me it’s the right thing to do but for me. I don’t want to live my entire life dependent on some chemical, not being able to any normal, inane daily activity without it. No, I don’t want to live my life like that, not anymore, having to do heroin just so I can sleep at night and wake up in the morning… no.

Also, am I so weak? Am I so weak that I can’t stop taking this fucking drug no matter how much I want to stop? I think I’m stronger than that, I should be able to take control of my life, not hand it over to some fine white powder. It has to stop. I have to be able to live some semblance of and to take part in its routine activities without this drug.

So today I am heading back to the methadone clinic for my dose of sticky green punch and I am going to keep going every single until I’m off this shit forever.

But first I need just one more hit. `