Yesterday, as soon as I returned from Macao, I immediately headed out to ‘‘Tei’’ at a neck-breaking speed to score. I picked up two grams of some really good dope, I got two cause after the ordeal of the last few days, there was no way in fucking hell that I was even going to come close to risking that again. The rest of the night was spent with some pretty mediocre friends, this and that, I didn’t really care what I did, I had heroin, and I was satisfied … finally.

I woke up in a haze from the amount of smack I had consumed last night, of course I wasn’t one to stop a good thing, I fixed before I even took my morning piss. Just to get me rolling for the day.

I have to keep up the relations with my family, so I went out with my sister today. We cruised around and did a little shopping. Pilar was the one to do all the shopping; I hardly had any money and any that I did have needed to be conserved for later donation to the Patrick Morais Heroin Addiction Foundation. But when I did see something that tickled my fancy I would try and convince Pilar that it was something that SHE really needed.

I was planning on meeting Janice in a few hours so as soon as I got home, I figured I’d fix, it had already been a few hours. I positioned myself, as usual, in my bathroom; I reached down to my shoe, in a rather large compartment that I had, quite creatively, constructed by cutting a large pocket into the tongue of my size 14s. No dope! Suffering from initial shock, I frantically searched around the pocket, nothing! I took off the shoe, looked in there, nothing! Trying the other, nothing! My search progressed; I searched every pocket, every orifice on me, twice. And still nothing! My searched moved beyond my bathroom safe-haven. In my room, I started under the bed, nothing! I pulled up the carpet, nothing! Checked my clothes, nothing! By the end of my hour long search, my bed, desk, tables, chairs, closet, everything, had been moved and turned over and moved again, all my clothes lay in a mound by the side of the carpet that I’d pulled off the floor and heaped in a pile. Now my room was barren, ransacked, it was empty, except for the mounds of furniture and clothes heaped into one corner; it was nothing more than four white walls and a wooden floor. And as for the dope…nothing!

Out of breath, I slumped into my heap of clothes, defeated, I accepted my loss, I’m a sore fucking loser but I put on a good show of convincing myself that I accepted it, it was gone, fuck! I picked up the wall clock that lay beside me on the floor, and now, I was late to meet Janice, fuck!

We went together to the airport to see off some friends, hers at least, they were more like associates if you’d ask me. It was an emotional scene; people were crying and saying their good byes as if they were going off to war instead of away to college. Me, I just didn’t give a shit, my mind was elsewhere, off in Mr. Dopeman’s, scoring a replacement for what I had lost tonight. They boarded their flights; everyone gave their long good-byes and I just watched the clock.

I went with Janice to eat some food; I picked at a piece of fried chicken and sipped my luke-warm Coca Cola watching the seconds on the clock. As if in some sort of life threatening situation, I sent her on her way home and immediately dropped my charming façade, I hopped the train to ‘Tei’. As I sat on the bench waiting for the two stops to come, I visualized the score, not the using, but instead on walking down that alley, passing the hookers and crossing the street, walking through the basketball court over to the methadone clinic. And as the train came to a halt, I bolted out of the train station, following all the procedures I had envisioned to a T. I picked up another bag at 11:30PM and treated myself to a cab ride home. I tapped the big, grocery store bag wrapped ball of heroin that rested in my top pocket and for now, I was complete.