April 27th 1998: “Fuck You Forever!” / Sucker Punch
Saturday night, 3am. Janice and I were taking a cab home, she was riding up front with me relegated to the back. She had been moody all night and hadn’t said anything for the entirety of the cab ride. I got really fed up and started questioning her on what was wrong. “are you okay?” “What’s wrong?” my questions were left unanswered. So I asked again, my questions going unanswered. I asked a third and final time, still to no avail. At that point I pretty much gave up on the whole thing and just started to ask her to at least acknowledge my presence as a living, breathing, goddamn human being. Her only reply was a sharp, rancorous “WHAT?!” I had gotten the validation I had been asking for.
After some further questioning along the lines of “ what’s going on?” Janice replied with only spite such as “Shut the fuck up!! I don’t want to hear your fucking voice” and comments of the like which, honestly, I would prefer not to repeat. But I will say that, the pure brutality of them, a vicious sucker punch to the gut, was almost too much to bear and finally, she had her wish, my mouth was shut.
By the time the cab pulled up to her street, I had adhered what seemed like an eternity of her vile and ruthless commentary. As she got out of the cab, I, almost to the point of tears, followed. Partly because I was still worried for her but also because this cab driver was robbing me blind on the fare.
She stormed off into her building without so much as a word. I held the door open for her long enough for her to slam it in my face. Through the metal bars of her entryway I asked one final time what was going on. She spewed forth an onslaught of venom so vicious that it was clear she wanted nothing to do with me at this point. Those final words were it , the last flaming arrow through my heart , there was no more I could finally take. I walked away, defeated and in tears, and stopped and turned to let out one bout of fury “FUCK YOU FOREVER!” She stood there with a blank look in her eyes and we both walked away.
I sat on the side of the road for what seemed like hours, crying my eyes out. Crying like I can’t remember having cried before just in shock of the verbal beating I had taken. Delivered to me by the one person on this world that I actually cared about.
It couldn’t have been more that twenty minutes later that she came back downstairs. My heart perked up a little and my tears started to dry. Maybe she was coming to apologize, maybe she didn’t mean a word of it. Jance walked up to me and yelled that she could hear me all the way upstairs and could I please just “shut the fuck up?” Sarcastically I apologized for embarrassing her but there was nothing more to say, nothing ore I could do. She walked away. And I just sat there, crying like an oversized baby just wishing for him mommy to make it all better.
I think I sat in that same spot for an hour, it could have only been minutes, before I mustered enough energy to start walking.
The walk home alternated between crying and brief intervals of anger, howling at the heavens to just make the pain stop. This heart, this broken heart of mine, it burned so hot, I don’t think it can ever be put out. I just don’t think I can take it anymore.
At home I sat. I fixed and just sat at my chair, having calmed down some, just sitting, shell shocked. My phone rang at around 6 am, it was Janice calling to apologize for what she said. I asked her if she really meant all the horrendous things she had said. And just as quickly as she had called, her mood flipped and she opened fire “No, I’m not sorry. Fuck You!” and hung up the phone. I just continued to sit. Finally passing out at 8am.
Later in the evening I ventured over to St. Teresa’s Church for the 6pm mass. You know as much as want to rebel against it, I still want to be a Good Catholic boy deep down inside. But if you want me to be completely honest I had ulterior motives for going that night, I just couldn’t let it go and really needed to talk to Janice about all this and I knew she would be there.
Okay, I gotta stop. Honestly this is getting really hard to write. I just don’t want to think about it anymore. The last day or so has really been way too much for me to handle and I don’t know why I have to try and torture myself by reliving it over and over.
So to sum it up, I went to church, she was pissed. I finally talked to her for a minute and we agreed not to talk for a while. I was upset so I slunk off to the bathroom at the Kentucky Fried Chicken and got high, just not high enough to numb the pain. And honestly, that’s what it is. It hurts. It hurts bad and I miss her already, I can’t stand the fact that we are now on non speaking terms but I can take some solace in the fact that she said she doesn’t hate me, that’s got to count for something, right?