I\u2019ve had this feeling lately, like I\u2019m coming to the end of my rope. I mean I\u2019m pretty sure that I can\u2019t take anymore. Anymore of all this, this shit that comes with the life I live. This fucking stereotypical bullshit junkie lifestyle, I feel like I\u2019m living in some fucking bad movie of the week every single day and its weighing heavily on me.<\/p>\n
With that, I know now that it is a necessity for me to come off smack. There really is no way around it; I have to get myself straight. There is the problem of kicking, something that I really don\u2019t think I can handle, not now. In the last three years, I\u2019ve kicked numerous times but my mind hasn\u2019t lived outside these fuzzy edges that come with heroin in what must be more than a year straight and it scares me to be any different.<\/p>\n
But I know it; I know that I cannot continue living like this any longer. I could feel myself this morning, getting desperate and scared. Scared because I don\u2019t want to continue living my life like this, dependent on a fucking narcotic substance, not being able to function for shit without feeling its caress, to feel trapped in this cycle that never, never ends, helpless\u2026 hopeless.<\/p>\n
And in my panic, I think of the exquisite pain that comes with withdrawals, the sheer agony. I\u2019m torn, I really can\u2019t decide which of the two is better.<\/p>\n
It is with this that I have devised a plan, a half assed one if anything, but a plan nonetheless. At least that\u2019s a start. I going to stay on the smack, that\u2019s a given, but I\u2019m going to put myself on the maintenance program. Doing enough to not get sick, not doing enough to catch a nod, maintenance. I\u2019m not exactly going to be clean, this I understand but I guess it\u2019s sort of a step in the right direction.<\/p>\n
I booted a decent shot home early in the morning and that\u2019s it, that\u2019s all the dope I\u2019m going to have until late in the evening or hopefully, and I\u2019m pushing it, tomorrow morning. It\u2019s as simple as that and it\u2019s a whole lot more difficult than that. Cause all I have is will power fueling me and a big bag of dope in my pocket to tide me over, it kind of makes for a tricky situation.<\/p>\n
Granted, I haven\u2019t worked out all the logistics of it yet. I don\u2019t know what I am going to do with myself. Today, I was miserable walking around all day, knowing I had dope pumping in my veins yet I couldn\u2019t catch a buzz. I wanted to, believe me, I wanted to. I spent half the day pacing, trying to con myself out of going back into the commode and finishing up the job good and proper. But I didn\u2019t do it, I can\u2019t do it, I know that now, I\u2019ve known it for years. If I don\u2019t come clean now, I fear that I may never be able to do it. And that thought scares me more than anything, carrying out the rest of my existence in a state of perpetual darkness, trapped behind this wall of\u2026 I don\u2019t know what this wall is made of, nor do I really give a damn. At this point, I only know that I\u2019m in a state of urgency and I\u2019m trying to give it an honest shot.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019ve had this feeling lately, like I\u2019m coming to the end of my rope. I mean I\u2019m pretty sure that I can\u2019t take anymore. Anymore of all this, this shit that comes with the life I live. This fucking stereotypical bullshit junkie lifestyle, I feel like I\u2019m living in some fucking bad movie of the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,16,26,28],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-clean","category-maintenence","category-smack","category-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}