I don\u2019t know whether it was out of obligation, boredom, or maybe something deeper but went to church this morning. Yes, I\u2019ll admit it, I\u2019m a Catholic \u2013 baptism, communion and confirmation and apart from the last two years or so, I went to church almost every Sunday since I could remember. And I hated every second of it.<\/p>\n
Despite my animosity towards the physical act of going to church, I still somehow found a certain level of comfort there, you know? A kind of \u2018everything will be alright\u2019 feeling, I know I couldn\u2019t appreciate that when I was younger, but now amidst the turmoil and confusion that is my life, I want to see if maybe its still there. Because I\u2019ll tell you, right now whatever it is that I have that passes for a life these days seems to be coated with complete and utter chaos. All the dope, the petty crime, turmoil with every single person I come into contact with, and now, as I think it has always been, I realize how much I truly despise myself and the things I do. So this is it, this is why I decided to go to mass today; \u2018cause at least it might be some place where I find a little serenity.<\/p>\n
So, I sat there for an entire hour, I really wanted to give this a shot, I took in every word of the sermon as if it were oxygen, essential to living. I nodded at the gospel; I stood when I was supposed to stand, kneeled when I was supposed to kneel and sang when I was supposed to sing.<\/p>\n
I gave it a real, honest to goodness shot, and after that hour of religious bombardment was up, after I put my donation in the basket and made the sign of the cross at communion, even after I prayed to God like a mother fucker to \u201cPlease, just let me have some peace\u201d What did I find? NOTHING, not a goddamn thing, no spiritual enlightenment, no sense of comfort or even hope, nothing, just complete and utter emptiness like I have always felt.<\/p>\n
It made me sad, very sad, the feeling that there was nothing, not a goddamned thing that would make me feel, just a little, more complete, not even church. I was disenchanted by the whole ordeal, was God not there for me? Had he given up on me like all the others? He couldn\u2019t have, I mean even when everything around you has been turned to shit and you don\u2019t know where you stand, at least God is supposed to be there\u2026 right?<\/p>\n
Oh God! There really is nothing left for me. Before I went to church I thought I had some spiritual enlightenment to eventually look forward to but was more lost now than I was before. I bolted up out of my pew, pissed off and disappointed, I didn\u2019t know whether I wanted to cry or to scream \u201cFUCK YOU!\u201d to the altar. So I forfeited the decision making process and headed to the men\u2019s room, and fixed in church.<\/p>\n
I sat alone for the rest of the day, just kind of reflective, I was still really confused about this whole Janice situation and despite how much dope I put in myself, I still couldn\u2019t shake the feeling that God too had abandoned me. I just sat there for hours staring off at a blank wall as if what I had that passed for a thought process could somehow make everything be okay. Needless to say it didn\u2019t work, nothing became okay, it just got worse and my drug soaked brain ran circles around itself on the issues at hand while I realized that I needed to decorate my walls, they were looking desperately desolate\u2026 much like everything else in my life.<\/p>\n
As much as I could try to talk to God, it didn\u2019t seem as if he would answer me any time soon. I talked Janice so that I could hopefully get at least one of these issues resolved.<\/p>\n
She called me, which is odd because she hardly ever does these days. We proceeded with the typical ambiguous chit-chat. Then after a while, I couldn\u2019t help but to talk about what happened this past week. I really don\u2019t have the energy to get into the specifics of the conversation but it really wasn\u2019t the cathartic experience that I was quite hoping for. She dodged the topic as much as she could then just made vague statements that hid what she really thought about the situation. I understand that it may not be the most comfortable subject to talk about so I just kind of dropped it after I saw that she really didn\u2019t want to get into it.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know maybe I\u2019m just old fashioned you know, I\u2019m not really hip with the times I mean I still have the same music in my CD player since 1993 for Christ\u2019s sake, but to me kissing stands for something, its not a completely plutonic thing unless its stated as so. You know, I\u2019ve had my share of drunken female encounters but I was the only one in any form of drunken stupor that evening. Anyways, what I\u2019m really trying to get at is that I just want to know if it meant anything. And if it didn\u2019t, great, but please tell me why then, was it out of boredom? what?<\/p>\n
We both just agreed to leave it at that and kind of bury it right then and there. It really wasn\u2019t the closure I sought but I just didn\u2019t have it in me to be pulling fucking teeth this evening. There was more chit-chat and eventually I just trailed off. Yet again I was lost and confused, twice in one day on two paramount matters. I told myself \u201cI don\u2019t care\u201d and fixed to try and realize that thought before I passed out in my chair.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I don\u2019t know whether it was out of obligation, boredom, or maybe something deeper but went to church this morning. Yes, I\u2019ll admit it, I\u2019m a Catholic \u2013 baptism, communion and confirmation and apart from the last two years or so, I went to church almost every Sunday since I could remember. And I hated […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,11,28],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-church","category-kiss","category-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/patmorais.com\/themonkey\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}